Twilight Faith

Moved

2009-09-14T23:24:00.001-07:00

In case anyone actually visits this page, I would like to redirect you here.

The poor in spirit

2009-09-05T20:38:00.005-07:00

Every day's so hard, looking for a reason to keep on living when I hate my life... don't think God loves me, don't know why I'm alive, lonely without a single person in the world I am close to... I keep thinking silently to no one in particular, "it hurts so much I could die"... and the pain drives me to seek any small thing, even sin, that can distract me, comfort me, take my mind off reality, even work is a kind of relief... since I cannot seem to turn my desires from sin to seek God properly, and I am utterly useless as a Christian, I have probably relinquished the faith, even a loving God would surely not want me... every day I ask for more mercy, wondering if my prayers even leave the room...

I made sure to write down my true thoughts and feelings while I still had them, because I know that recalling them in hindsight through the veil of time is never the same. Usually, I can't even remember accurately what I was thinking.

How the weeks have flown by, so indifferently. I read books and listened to sermons in search for answers, but the flashes of insight never had a lasting effect. I was drowning in these feelings, every day, in the morning they greeted me and at night they whispered until I fell asleep.

This morning, I searched on DG for anything containing the word "uselessness". Perhaps if I was reminded of the parable of the talents, and admonished not to waste what God has given me, I would finally be motivated to some action. But instead, I found that the very same words of accusation that haunted me day and night were affirmed to be true, and then I was free...

What was William Carey's secret?... The tablet on his grave reads,

WILLIAM CAREY

Born August 17th, 1761

Died June 9th, 1834

A wretched, poor, and helpless worm,

On Thy kind arms I fall.

The secret for William Carey was not self esteem. He was poor in spirit to the very end. "A wretched, poor, and helpless worm," he calls himself, knowing very well his sin and failures.

His secret was in the last line of his epitaph: "On Thy kind arms I fall." This was his secret in dying and this was his secret in living. He cast himself, poor, helpless, despicable on the kind arms of God. For he knew the promise of Jesus: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for to them belong the merciful and mighty arms of the King of kings.

Blessed are the poor in spirit who mourn. Blessed are the people who feel keenly their inadequacies and their guilt and their failures and their helplessness and their unworthiness and their emptiness—who don't try to hide these things under a cloak of self-sufficiency, but who are honest about them and grieved and driven to the grace of God.

God did not say to Moses, "Stop putting yourself down. You are somebody. You are eloquent." That is not the biblical way. What God said was, "Stop looking at your own unworthiness and uselessness and look at me. I made the mouth. I will be with you. I will help you. I will teach you what to say. Look to me and live!¹

Piper and Carey are right. Everything in the Bible points to this, and yet I had forgotten. But that is not the point here, rather, what a relief it is, to know that it is alright that I am no good, when the voice that says I cannot fail is silenced by the voice of truth, and that voice says, it is enough that God chooses to be kind to you.

Perhaps this is what I had to come home to learn, though I did not know at the time what exactly it would be (how could I? who truly knows, except vaguely, what it is he or she has to learn?), only that my life had stopped making sense and I was completely dependent on Sundays to blow on the dying embers of my desire for God. I was still lonely often, but had enough good conversations, purposeful activities, distractions and fun that I never reached my breaking point... and this was one of the things, which I was too ashamed to share with anyone, that strengthened my conviction to move back, because I was treating many things as emotional crutches; at home I would have none of them and so perhaps would seek God more whole-heartedly.

Maybe I have to learn what it is to fail utterly before I can learn to stand firm, because then when I stand, it will be on God's kindness in Christ alone. I understood that salvation is in Christ, yes, but without understanding fully (and still not). But it was enough when my faith was strong. It is when I am weak, that small overlooked cracks threaten to swallow me alive. It is when I am weak, that the contrast between faithful, fruitful, joyful Christians and my own state of gross inadequacy, uselessess, unfaithfulness, loneliness and despair, becomes devastatingly apparent... it was impossible for me not to associate good works with God's love and approval, despite the number of times I've heard "salvation is Jesus plus nothing".

So I rejoice to be stripped of my arrogance to think I am not permitted to fail, to be inadequate, to be useless. The great irony is that as I rest joyfully in God's kindness, I find the strength to live. To write. I keep thinking of William Carey's words. "A wretched, poor, and helpless worm, On Thy kind arms I fall." How true it is!

It is decided

2009-07-09T19:07:00.000-07:00

I clicked "send". And so began the next season of my life. With mixed feelings.

The email was addressed to a lady who works in a division of St. Paul's Hospital in downtown Vancouver. She's been my primary correspondent, but I've had the chance to speak with the rest of the team through a Skype video call. But no matter, because I will be seeing and talking to them a good deal in the next few years, however long God wills it.

Maybe it seems odd to write about starting a job -- because that's precisely what it is -- in such a dramatic manner. But as my first "real" job, it means a huge change in the way I live everyday, especially since I'm moving home after 2 years away. I can't help but be apprehensive.

I wrote a couple weeks ago how I was convicted that my next step should be to work, for the sake of God's name. The truth is that I continued to struggle with it afterwards, daily reasoning with myself and reminding myself why I must do this. It wasn't until the moment I made the decision to accept that all my objections were laid to rest. It's not that the reasons for working are weak, but rather that they represent a kind of thinking that doesn't come naturally to me. If I've had few a deep conversations with you before, then you probably know that I'm very idealistic. So the conversation I kept having in my head went, God, surely my parents can still honor your name even if I do missions. They could come to understand that you do provide so the financial burden is not on them, that missions is not an excuse to play, that to know you is truly an amazing thing. Wouldn't that be best? Shouldn't I push forward, run the race, trust you with the details? There must be some mistake... this can't be the right direction to go, living for my parents' approval instead of yours. And even if I am willing for the sake of your honor, you said that we would be insulted, persecuted, regarded as foolish because of you, the very thing I seem to be trying to avoid. I don't understand...

Even writing this down stirs up some of the same confusion and desperation that I felt before. I mentioned that I am very idealist in my thinking. I have another confession to make: I am also almost always sure that I am right. I've always believed and still believe, whether correctly or incorrectly, that everything can be logically explained or understood. Thus I automatically become very convinced of any logical conclusion that I reach. But I realized this -- logic can only take you as far as what you start with. If I start with partially correct or incomplete truths, then whatever I deduce logically will only be partially correct or incomplete at best, and completely wrong or nonsensical at worst. Despite that, it's still easy for me to talk myself into confusion or depression. I do it all the time, forgetting the limits of my understanding. And the only thing that saves me time and time again is the amazing, unchanging grace of God to remind me and show me that his truth is greater than all I know or understand, and his forgiveness and kindness and faithfulness cover me even in the deepest seasons of doubting both myself and him.

And so, it's not correct to draw such a distinction between work and missions. Work is to be approached with the God-centered, gospel-glorifying attitude shown in Titus 2:5,8,10, and missions with the same. They are not so different, except that work involves more of the particular demands of men, which we may willingly submit ourselves to for the sake of God's honor, and so that we may make a living and help those in need. In Colossians 3, Paul addresses slaves to obey their masters as if working for the Lord, saying,

Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

What a comfort and relief it must have been to know that even if they should spend the rest of their lives only serving men, they are really serving Christ and will be rewarded by him! Though I am not a slave, I will work for someone. Pray that I will not be discouraged by the appearance of work, but to go about it whole-heartedly -- not behaving out of fear of men, but with integrity before God.

Now what of persecution? Even persecution within families should be expected (Luke 12:51-53), so why should I work so hard to be approved of? Because it is Christ who brings division (v. 51), even as we are called to be peacemakers (Matthew 5:9) and be blameless before men (Titus 2:8).

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

~ Matthew 5:11

All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

~ Matthew 10:22

But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it?

~ 1 Peter 2:20

But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

~ 1 Peter 3:15-17

Persecution will come for what we do in Christ, but so will rewards.

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

~ Matthew 10:39

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.

~ Matthew 19:29

Of course it has to be for Christ's sake, we all say. But it dawned on me that my heart is so deceitful, I can be convinced something is for Christ's sake when it's not, or not completely. I want to come back to this in a later post, but briefly, this is the question I was forced to ask myself this weekend. If I consider all things for Christ's sake, if I genuinely hope my parents will see his light, then why was it not a deciding factor while I was thinking about my future? And the truth is maybe, maybe I wanted God help them understand the truth just because it would make it so much more convenient to do what I want. A means to an end. Sick.

In summary, it is commendable and expected that we should suffer and be persecuted for Christ's sake, for doing good. Now while I fully believe in the financial support of chosen individuals for the sake of the gospel, I am convinced that it is wrong and dishonoring to God to be a burden on less-than-willing people. Thus, I have gone in a circle and arrived at my original conviction -- that I should work to support myself and not be a burden on my family. For Christ's sake.

But I know I have not seen the last of the missions field.

So what now?

2009-06-26T18:51:00.000-07:00

In case you're wondering what I'm up to now, I've graduated and am looking for a job. I've told many of you that I want to be a missionary or do some kind of church ministry, and that I went to Kenya last sumer on missions and LOVED it. Work isn't my first choice (I doubt it is for most people), even though I know that supporting myself (and others) to do God's kingdom work is exactly what Paul and the early church did. Probably because in so many ways, being a missionary is easier, more exciting, and more rewarding than living a "normal" life.

I was praying about it perhaps a 2 or 3 months ago. God, you know I love the mission field, but my parents want me to work! Didn't Jesus say to that man, "let the dead bury their own dead?" Isn't it a good thing to leave home or father or mother for your sake? Lord, am I still supposed to honor my parents? How can I, when they reject you and want me to live according to the world's ways, which you hate? I've struggled with this so much, for so long. Whether that command still applied when the parents are not believers. Where do you draw the line? But as I was praying, God reminded me of the greater command. Lord, you know how my mom tell family friends and all sorts of people about me. She asks them if it's normal for someone religious to be so involved in the church and its activities. She says that no one thinks it's normal. "You don't have to be so involved", as if I was only doing it because others expected it of me. God...... they must all think the church has robbed me of the familial affection and responsibilities expected of me. Asian culture is very family-oriented. What must they think of me? Of you Lord, if they believed in you? They can't think well of the church either. O God! Because of me, your name is dishonored before so many! The realization hit me like a cement truck. And I cried.

When I first read Ezekiel 36:19-23 a long time ago, I was amazed. I don't know how so much can be conveyed through so few words. I can't forget it. And those words came to me now. I was convicted that I should work to be financially independent and no longer be a burden or worry to my parents... or a conversation topic that leaves a poor taste. And that means finding a job. In a few years, when I am able to support myself and others as well, perhaps God will call me away to the mission field.

I still don't know what the difference is between this and the guy who said, "let me first bury my father" (Matthew 8, Luke 9). It was probably a cultural expectation at the time too, right? But I am sure that God's name should not be dishonored because of what I do or fail to do. Let no one have anything bad to say about the Lord (Titus 2). If I am wrong about finding a job, then may God make it clear to me.

Death can be a good thing

2009-06-11T15:15:00.009-07:00

This is a post about something that happened last Sunday, June 7th.

Pastor James had preached about sin - the nature of sin and what we should do when we are struggling. I remember one thing he said that really stood out to me, because it's so significant and I had even realized it before, only to have completely forgotten it until now. He said that when we struggle with sin, it is because of the reality of the pleasure of that sin; it is more real to us than God. The comfort, pleasure and excitement promised by these seem more real than the distant promises, truths and even warnings of God. I hope I don't forget again.

At the end of the service, PJ came back up, saying that he didn't usually do this but wanted everyone who sought freedom from sin in their lives to stand up, even kneel at the front, to be prayed for. I'm always a little scared when it comes to these things, but I wanted to be free more than anything else, so I went and so did many others. PJ and many others prayed over us and I cried, knowing I had let the greatest reality of all slip into insignificance. Please God, be more real to me than anything else...

For almost 2 and a half years now, I've been struggling with a past relationship. God's sovereign will had drawn him and his new girlfriend together, both unwilling at first, but nevertheless sure of the direction they were being led in. I had never dated him, but I lost the only person whom I had ever loved or been close to. It forced me to draw closer to God and in doing so, discover such richness and beauty that I had never known, and which would have been impossible for me to see otherwise. So truly, I was thankful for God for that... but more than 2 years later, I was still struggling.

That Sunday night, I was casually browsing around on Facebook (I know, I know), and for the first time in months, visited his profile. What I saw and read hurt like it always did, but this time it struck a new chord in me too. I realized, I do not know this person anymore. He is someone different now. As I thought about this silently, my thoughts reached a natural conclusion: the person I had known, had loved, had been close friends with -- that person was dead, he didn't exist anymore. At first I panicked and instinctively tried to block out those thoughts, because truth be told you couldn't count the number of days I've cried/gotten angry at some point over this with a 12-month calendar, and I'm not the kind of person who exaggerates. When that happens though, you start arranging some mental blocks to prevent it from messing with you (I guess it doesn't work that well).

But as I sat at my desk, Facebook now closed, side by side was a feeling of incredible relief and freedom. He doesn't exist anymore, I thought, that person is dead. That's when I realized that I had never let go of the intimacy, the fact we had enjoyed each other's company, his character, the little quirks and idiosyncrasies - the person and the relationship. I treasured those, and knew there would never, could never, be anyone the same. That in itself was not wrong, but the fact I hadn't let go meant that 2 years later, I still wanted and expected certain things and was having the most terrible time dealing with reality. After all, people change, I change, he changed too of course. A season of life has passed, and that's that.

As I watched the peace fill my heart with that one, simple truth, I realized that I would never cry about it again. What an answer to prayer. It was a truth that no one could have explained to me in a way that I would have accepted.

Praise be to the God of our salvation, who hears us... So many thanks to PJ and Living Water, I love you guys. <3

After pouring out my thanks to God for such amazing grace in setting me free, I did have this question though -- why the heck couldn't it have happened sooner?

Over the last few days as I've been thinking about this whole situation, I've realized a couple important things. One is that the only way to really recover from a breakup is to accept that the person you were in love with and who loved you is dead... otherwise, there is actually no logical reason to move on, so you don't. Yes, your mind is working logically even when it's doing so subconsciously!

Second, I think this applies to relationships and change in general. Have you guys ever felt constrained by the people who've known you for some time? It's hard to change, even when you want to, when everyone already has certain expectations of you or the lack thereof. I think sometimes we need to let the past die so the present can have a chance. And how much more should this apply to brothers and sisters in Christ! Since we know that we have not yet attained perfection, but are continuously being sanctified and made holy by God, we should have great hope in His mighty and unfathomable power to transform each other in big ways, daily. Let's not become stumbling blocks for each other.

12We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. 13If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. 14For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

16So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 18All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them.

~ 2 Cor 5:12-19

Most of us are keenly aware that whatever this new creation is that Paul talks about, it's not quite dead to sin and still has a plenty of problems. Then this idea that we're supposed to be a new creation becomes a burden and a source of guilt. We ought to be convicted to turn our backs on the worldly way of thinking and living, so that we may follow Christ, but I don't think Paul meant those words to be a burden when he wrote them. The NASB translation of verse 16 is

"Therefore from now on we recognize no one according to the flesh; even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him in this way no longer."

This is Paul's answer to those who take "pride in what is seen" (v. 12): that now, no one is recognized according to their flesh (humanity, I think), but rather according to Christ's death and resurrection through which we have all become new creations who live for Him. He adds that "All of this is from God who reconciled us to himself through Christ... not counting men's sins against them" (v. 18-19) -- the knowledge of the new creation is not meant to be a burden, because God has done it Himself and it has already happened.

I'm not really sure why I wrote the above. I was actually just trying to quote verse 17, after writing about how we should actively, continuously hope in God's transforming power for ourselves and for each other.

I hope you guys were blessed by some part of this! And I really am serious about trying to blog/write more. I didn't go into Arts because I hate writing essays, but I still really like to write in general, oddly enough.

Stormy weather, and the complexity of the human mind

2009-06-04T16:38:00.021-07:00

If my first semester at Berkeley was one of the best seasons of my life, then this past semester was one of the worst. The 5 months from December 2008 to April 2009 were full of addictions, emotional turmoil, anxiety, fear, questions, doubt, and ultimately, I think I almost lost my faith. I mean this, of course, from a human perspective.

It's scary to write such a thing because of the kind of reaction it inevitably draws from many people, even if now the storm is past and I can see the sky through the clouds. Good intentions are one thing, but misunderstanding is another. I realized I've probably done this numerous, countless times -- approaching someone with the best of intentions, but also with a tendency to jump to conclusions and an over-eagerness to solve problems, that must have been more of a burden than a relief. No doubt, it's a hard thing to open up to another person, knowing that you might be misunderstood, knowing you could be judged, knowing you may be talking to someone like me.

We all make these kinds of evaluations constantly, consciously or unconsciously. For example, in choosing who to confide in, I am really making a decision based on what past interactions have told us about the person and our relationship. One aspect might be whether that person cares, after all, confiding in someone who is indifferent means boredom for him/her, and hurt for myself. And we all know that it takes more than the words "I care about you"; the actions must speak for themselves or at least back up the words. We all know the well-known saying. But I prefer the alternate phrasing, "your actions speak so loudly that I can't hear a word you're saying".

If the actions don't follow the words, then I'd say the situation (regarding whether to confide) is even worse off than if the words were never spoken. Why? Because then conflict must be resolved by concluding that either (a) the person is a liar, or (b) the person said it in the heat of the moment. Either of these might make someone less willing to confide deeply, right?

Edit: Other conclusions are also possible actually, and not limited to (c) miscommunication and different ideas of what something means. In this case, it's necessary to clearly define everything that is said order to avoid misunderstanding as much as possible.

Of course there are other factors in the decision as well, such as the person's wisdom and experience. And we use each piece of information available to us, some weighted more heavily than others depending on how much we believe an event reflects a person's character as opposed to a particular situation. Past interactions, group interactions, what they say about themselves, what other people say about them, what they do, what they do when no one's watching, and so on.

All to decide whether or not to confide in someone. Such an immeasurably complex process, and yet it can happen in the blink of an eye, without a conscious thought. Somehow or another, we just "feel" or "know". The human mind is truly an amazing thing. We are doing this all the time.

"Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell gets into this kind of thing, but not limiting it to interactions between people. I felt like he could go further though, such as when he talks about marriage. In summary, the most significant predictors of future divorce are when, in a serious discussion of a topic relevant to the marriage, the husband or wife shows contempt for the other. That is, if one knows to watch out for this, it is possible to predict which couples will divorce and which will stay together.

I thought about this when I read it, asking myself, why? Now, contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling were all reported to be predictors of divorce, but contempt was the most important. We all know what it's like to be criticized -- for someone to express their displeasure with something we did, or said, or even an aspect of our character. The typical response is defensiveness -- we defend our actions, our words, and justify ourselves. Sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn't. Long-standing criticisms communicate to us that we don't measure up, we're not who we should be, we're just not good enough, so separation and distance (i.e. divorce) is a rather natural result I think. But contempt is worse because, as I think of it, it de-humanizes the person held in contempt, conferring inferiority. When we feel contempt for someone, we either don't bother verbalizing it at all ("pointless, waste of time") or verbalize it without allowing the other person's input (no expectations of the other person, just venting anger). Naturally, this results in stonewalling (silence, uncooperativeness) because subconsciously we can tell when "it doesn't matter what I say" so "why waste my breath?"

I wish Gladwell had gone more in depth. I really believe that there is a reason we think or know or feel everything that we do. I'm sure it's more complex than I can ever imagine, because we evaluate things within the context of everything else we know and think and believe to be true.

Ok, so you can see that I have a tendency to go off on tangents. But I feel like it's a relevant tangent. This also makes it hard to blog, because it's nearly impossible to write about something if you also want to include multiple tangents. If you remember, I started this post talking about the past semester. I'll write more about it and what exactly happened over the next few posts.

So nearly a year after my last post, I'm going to try again

2009-06-03T12:41:00.002-07:00

What I can't understand is why it's so hard for me to blog consistently when I really really want to blog.

Part of the difficulty lies in the fact that I often think of too many things I want to say, become overwhelmed at the prospect, and give up before I ever start. But if I could just start blogging consistently, I wouldn't find my self overwhelmed with too many things to say, right?

Now, yesterday I just got my new PINK Samsung NC10 netbook (sooo cute! ^^) and hopefully this new level of portability means I'll be writing down more of my thoughts as they occur.

I also need to learn not to expect perfection in this arena, because otherwise I'll quickly give up writing simply because I can't write everything, or can't express myself perfectly. And in that spirit, I now conclude this post, not having said anything of importance.

Kenya update #1

2008-06-20T02:10:00.000-07:00

Email I sent out June 9th, 2008

Hey everyone!

I can't believe I've been here for over 2 weeks already! In some ways it's been some of the longest 2 weeks of my life but I'm already a quarter into my missions trip. I've been wanting to write an update for a while because I've experienced so much and have so much I want to say, but it's been hard to find time!

First, I just want to praise God for His provision financially! Some of you know that when I left, I did not have enough money to pay for the missions trip and my rent this summer, and I was facing $15k in non-resident tuition fees for the 2008-2009 school year. I questioned whether or not I should even be going on this missions trip instead of looking for a job, but I knew that there was no way I could do that, for God has set this trip on my heart. And His sovereign grace has been so amazing! I thank Him for the generosity that you guys have shown me, and for helping me find a subletter (after I had already left the country!), for a summer stipend I will be receiving, and just now, I received an email that funding has been found to cover my NRT for next year! It is from the fund that is used to pay NRT for first year graduate students, but one of the entering students will not be using it... "it's great news" the division manager told me. No, it's AMAZING news! =D I will also have a TA position to provide for my regular tuition and living stipend... praise God for His provision, and now my heart can be fully at ease!

I won't try to be too ambitious and write about the last 2 and a half weeks in a single email, so I will write mostly about the first week. It was mainly a time of confusion about my purpose in Africa, and dealing with ugly sins that revealed themselves in a place where it's every man for himself. It's far easier to "put others first in love" when you can be sure you will have enough to eat or when you have money to buy snacks (which I didn't). The first week, and still now, but especially the first week, was a painful time of both repentance and struggling to make sense of everything.

I've met two people in particular who truly inspire me. One of them, Wilson, was an orphan, sponsored by an American through Compassion for many years, and is now the leader of ICY Uganda which has an amazing ministry, as well as a sponsorship program called Empower Child. Were it not for his sponsor, Wilson said, he would probably be a criminal right now. This was so amazing for me to hear and ask him more about, because we know there are so many children waiting to be sponsored, and we hear of how they will be given an education and clothing and food, but we don't often get to know what happens to them. This is what can happen, and I am amazed at what God can do...

The second person will have to wait for another day, I gotta go soon...

I just want to thank God for how he has provided for me, and over the past week, revealed to me more about my mission here in Africa. I will be doing a lot of teaching in schools, and it will be mostly Christian/Bible classes, and I am really excited! Kenya is full of religious people it is true, but so few people have life...... please pray that I will decrease, and Christ in me increase, that I may be used by Him to be a blessing unto the people here, to both the Christians and non-Christians. I am also working really hard at learning Swahili, for God has given me a gift of ministering through conversation, but this is difficult when everyone knows English but speaks to each other in Swahili. I only understand what they choose to tell me. But God has been amazing in helping me learn the language! They say I am better than any other MST that has ever stayed with them... praise God for His working in me... I know this is His will.

There is so much more I wish to say but there are 2 people waiting for me to hurry up and finish. >_< Thank you for reading my email! Please reply and let me know how you're doing too!

God bless!

Virginia

Hey everyone!

2008-06-03T09:18:00.002-07:00

Following is an email I sent out on May 25th after I arrived, figured I should post it to my blog as well.

Just wanted to thank you all for your prayers and let you know that I've arrived safely in Nairobi! It's 12 pm on Sunday May 25th here, and I have a few minutes in a cyber (read: internet cafe) to check my email, before I leave with the ICY Kenya team to travel to Dar es Salaam in Tanzania for a 1 week conference.

It's been busy since I arrived, trying to process things and adjust to life here. I find myself wondering, what exactly am I doing here? The team seems to have things together and be very dedicated to their work, and it's not like I'm here to kick off something... I pray that God will help me get to know and understand them better, and see what they lack that I can provide. There's a lot I need to learn too, and much to unlearn about things I've come to take for granted.

I realized it's not good to have unfinished business when on a missions trip, especially one of this length... I'm not sure how many opportunities I will have to check my email, but I still need to sort things out at Berkeley this summer and for the fall, and that's not cool. =/ Please pray that everything will work out~

May God bless and watch over all of you! Hope to have another chance to write soon...

Love,

Virginia

Something I realized

2008-05-18T17:28:00.002-07:00

... is that I, more than most people, have grown up way too fortunate for my own good. Not that I come from a family that by any means has a lot of money, but rather I've never had to pay bills, worry about tuition, or about money in general. A couple years ago I read an article at Boundless which talked about "adultescence", a social phenomenon made possible by Western affluence, in which adulthood is delayed well into the 20's and is accompanied by general lack of financial responsibility and commitment. I totally agreed with that article. Only to realize now that I've still be living it this whole time. Especially at a commuter school like UBC where I, like most students, lived with my parents, which meant no worrying about food, electricity, etc. and more money for movies, entertainment, eating out, and whatever I fancied. I didn't even hold a job while I was studying, which no small number of people do. I said I wanted to concentrate on studying, so I only held a few very informal jobs, mostly during the summers. And I definitely studied like crazy but as most people know, I was an avid gamer and also spent a lot of time on anime and manga...... here's that adultescence again, in the way time is spent, because as we know time=money (and money=evil and girls=time but psh, whatever =p)

What's really hit me in this past week is dude, I seriously need to grow up. I do buy groceries instead of eating out because it's expensive, but it's much more than that. Today I went to buy my malaria pills and other stuff for the missions trip, and one other thing that I had been prescribed was anti-diarrheal medicine. (Not the over-the-counter kind, but the really potent kind for serious cases...) And I was shocked to find out that 3 doses cost $30, but I shelled out the money anyway, and 5 minutes later went back to the pharmacist to return them. It's not worth it, it's not going to kill me anyways, and people on missions always get sick and I don't hear of THEM taking meds... =p Later, I was looking at the over-the-counter version, immodium, I was seriously considering at least buying that right? Because spending all of your time in the bathroom is hardly an effective ministry for Christ, and for that, I am willing to pay $7. As I was reading the box though, I caught a glimpse of the words "side effects include tiredness, dizziness, and nausea". I thought to myself, so either way I'm likely to feel rather unwell, only one way involves $7 and putting strange chemicals in my body. As if I'm not putting strange chemicals in my body already, what with all the shots and live oral typhoid vaccine, and malaria pills and so on, but that's beside the point. =p

I'm grateful to have learned these things, however uncertain my future is financially. It's a luxury for ME to be able to bake cheesecakes and try new recipes, even if it is for other people. A luxury to eat out and buy new clothes. A luxury and strange, sad kind of irony to have to buy things just to store all the stuff I own. So even though I don't fully know how I will pay for my summer or tuition in the fall, I thank God, because when He does provide, I can be a better and wiser steward for it. My parents understand very well how to save money, because they grew up very poor, but I have not yet learned how to really make an effort to not spend what I don't need to.

Though I do not want to worship money. To save and spend are both good, it depends on what and why, on God's calling and personal convictions. To enjoy food and appreciate beauty are not inherently bad, because God created food and God is the epitome of beauty. =)

But I would rather spend less on myself, and more for the kingdom, because we know that treasures stored up in heaven are eternal and only in God can we ever truly be satisfied. Oh how He has shown me one of my (really petty) weaknesses regarding this in the past few days! But that's a story for another time... now I shall study for my final tomorrow morning. =p

Leaving for Africa soon

2008-05-14T17:04:00.005-07:00

I figure it's about time to start blogging again, so that I can keep people updated.

On the morning of May 6, 2008, I finally received word that I had been accepted to go to Kenya this summer. It was the end of many weeks of waiting and praying and more waiting, and the beginning of more praying and rushed preparations. As I've been telling almost everyone, I'm super excited!! I have had such a deep longing for Africa for so long, and since the day I found out about ICY in mid-March, God has been opening doors.

But I'm so anxious. I've barely had an appetite for a week, and that means stress. I can only pray that it is because I have so many things to think about and do, and not because I do not trust God. When I heard the news, my mind was going a million miles an hour coming up with a to-do list which included getting my vaccinations, deciding on when exactly to fly out and booking my tickets, talking to my parents, writing my support letter and raising support, finding someone to sublet my apartment, cleaning and packing up all my belongings, booking my flight home to Vancouver (as I won't want to try from an internet cafe in Kenya), figuring out how I can pay tuition in the fall, and what almost seems ridiculous is, I still need to do a final project, study for an exam, and grade homework.

Vaccinations were the top concern on my list, because most people need to book appointments well in advance, and adequate time is recommended between getting shots and actually leaving. I first called up student health services and was told that May 19th was the earliest opening! After much searching on the web fand many phone calls, I finally booked appointments at two different clinics. One was a travel clinic, and they had no openings until the following week... but the doctor was very kind and agreed to see me before the clinic opened on Saturday! And fortunately so, because a certificate for vaccination against yellow fever is required to enter Kenya, and does not become valid until 10 days after the shot.

I had already booked my plane ticket for the morning of May 22nd before I found that out. Thank God I was able to get yellow fever on the 10th...

And if I could not fly out on May 22nd, I would not be able to leave before June 2nd, because all of teams in Uganda/Kenya/Tanzania will be attending a meeting in Dar es Salaam. I had the choice between joining them before or joining them after, and I wanted to join them for the conference. What would I do in Berkeley for a week anyways? I would rather meet the teams in Africa, and the people I'll be working with for 2 months. And yes, I will be flying back on July 28th, and to Vancouver hopefully soon after.

I can't believe that I'm leaving in a week. There are so many issues in my life right now that I don't know how God is going to save me from them all. All I can do is wait on Him and pray and hope, because I know that He goes before me and clears the way.

I have no time. I don't know how to even start my final project because I don't understand the material. I have basically no money after paying for this missions trip. If I don't find someone to sublet my place within the next week, I'll have even worse problems. I somehow managed to overdraw my bank account 7 times without being notified once, which I have never done in my life, with fees totaling $235. I'm flying to Kenya in a week... with rather short connection times in 2 of the world's busiest airports... by myself. And after I return, I will certainly not be able to afford $15k to pay nonresident tuition for my studies. I'll also need to find a place to live, but not now, because I would have to do a double sublet and one is enough. My mom is not terribly pleased and worries for my health and future, but what weighs infinitely more heavily on my heart is how I told her I would raise financial support. I admit now it was done partially in fear and appeasement. But Father, will you let your servant be called a liar, and your name dishonored because of it? Isn't it written, "you will be saved -- you and your household"? May you forbid that my household have anything bad to say about you!

I praise God because He has been building up my faith in leaps and bounds this past year, so that even though I feel like screaming inside and wish it would all go away, I will wait on the LORD. Because there isn't anywhere else to go but to Him this time, and nothing good will come out of worrying or being anxious. The LORD is the God of my faith and salvation, and He is fully able to do all things. I will not forget His love and kindness shown to me this past year, how He rescued and redeemed me from my sins and suffering, how He blessed me with joy beyond words.

May the name of the LORD be praised!