Moved

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The poor in spirit

Every day's so hard, looking for a reason to keep on living when I hate my life... don't think God loves me, don't know why I'm alive, lonely without a single person in the world I am close to... I keep thinking silently to no one in particular, "it hurts so much I could die"... and the pain drives me to seek any small thing, even sin, that can distract me, comfort me, take my mind off reality, even work is a kind of relief... since I cannot seem to turn my desires from sin to seek God properly, and I am utterly useless as a Christian, I have probably relinquished the faith, even a loving God would surely not want me... every day I ask for more mercy, wondering if my prayers even leave the room...

I made sure to write down my true thoughts and feelings while I still had them, because I know that recalling them in hindsight through the veil of time is never the same. Usually, I can't even remember accurately what I was thinking.

How the weeks have flown by, so indifferently. I read books and listened to sermons in search for answers, but the flashes of insight never had a lasting effect. I was drowning in these feelings, every day, in the morning they greeted me and at night they whispered until I fell asleep.

This morning, I searched on DG for anything containing the word "uselessness". Perhaps if I was reminded of the parable of the talents, and admonished not to waste what God has given me, I would finally be motivated to some action. But instead, I found that the very same words of accusation that haunted me day and night were affirmed to be true, and then I was free...

What was William Carey's secret?... The tablet on his grave reads,

WILLIAM CAREY

Born August 17th, 1761

Died June 9th, 1834

A wretched, poor, and helpless worm,

On Thy kind arms I fall.

The secret for William Carey was not self esteem. He was poor in spirit to the very end. "A wretched, poor, and helpless worm," he calls himself, knowing very well his sin and failures.

His secret was in the last line of his epitaph: "On Thy kind arms I fall." This was his secret in dying and this was his secret in living. He cast himself, poor, helpless, despicable on the kind arms of God. For he knew the promise of Jesus: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for to them belong the merciful and mighty arms of the King of kings.

Blessed are the poor in spirit who mourn. Blessed are the people who feel keenly their inadequacies and their guilt and their failures and their helplessness and their unworthiness and their emptiness—who don't try to hide these things under a cloak of self-sufficiency, but who are honest about them and grieved and driven to the grace of God.

God did not say to Moses, "Stop putting yourself down. You are somebody. You are eloquent." That is not the biblical way. What God said was, "Stop looking at your own unworthiness and uselessness and look at me. I made the mouth. I will be with you. I will help you. I will teach you what to say. Look to me and live!¹

Piper and Carey are right. Everything in the Bible points to this, and yet I had forgotten. But that is not the point here, rather, what a relief it is, to know that it is alright that I am no good, when the voice that says I cannot fail is silenced by the voice of truth, and that voice says, it is enough that God chooses to be kind to you.

Perhaps this is what I had to come home to learn, though I did not know at the time what exactly it would be (how could I? who truly knows, except vaguely, what it is he or she has to learn?), only that my life had stopped making sense and I was completely dependent on Sundays to blow on the dying embers of my desire for God. I was still lonely often, but had enough good conversations, purposeful activities, distractions and fun that I never reached my breaking point... and this was one of the things, which I was too ashamed to share with anyone, that strengthened my conviction to move back, because I was treating many things as emotional crutches; at home I would have none of them and so perhaps would seek God more whole-heartedly.

Maybe I have to learn what it is to fail utterly before I can learn to stand firm, because then when I stand, it will be on God's kindness in Christ alone. I understood that salvation is in Christ, yes, but without understanding fully (and still not). But it was enough when my faith was strong. It is when I am weak, that small overlooked cracks threaten to swallow me alive. It is when I am weak, that the contrast between faithful, fruitful, joyful Christians and my own state of gross inadequacy, uselessess, unfaithfulness, loneliness and despair, becomes devastatingly apparent... it was impossible for me not to associate good works with God's love and approval, despite the number of times I've heard "salvation is Jesus plus nothing".

So I rejoice to be stripped of my arrogance to think I am not permitted to fail, to be inadequate, to be useless. The great irony is that as I rest joyfully in God's kindness, I find the strength to live. To write. I keep thinking of William Carey's words. "A wretched, poor, and helpless worm, On Thy kind arms I fall." How true it is!

It is decided

I clicked "send". And so began the next season of my life. With mixed feelings.

The email was addressed to a lady who works in a division of St. Paul's Hospital in downtown Vancouver. She's been my primary correspondent, but I've had the chance to speak with the rest of the team through a Skype video call. But no matter, because I will be seeing and talking to them a good deal in the next few years, however long God wills it.

Maybe it seems odd to write about starting a job -- because that's precisely what it is -- in such a dramatic manner. But as my first "real" job, it means a huge change in the way I live everyday, especially since I'm moving home after 2 years away. I can't help but be apprehensive.

I wrote a couple weeks ago how I was convicted that my next step should be to work, for the sake of God's name. The truth is that I continued to struggle with it afterwards, daily reasoning with myself and reminding myself why I must do this. It wasn't until the moment I made the decision to accept that all my objections were laid to rest. It's not that the reasons for working are weak, but rather that they represent a kind of thinking that doesn't come naturally to me. If I've had few a deep conversations with you before, then you probably know that I'm very idealistic. So the conversation I kept having in my head went, God, surely my parents can still honor your name even if I do missions. They could come to understand that you do provide so the financial burden is not on them, that missions is not an excuse to play, that to know you is truly an amazing thing. Wouldn't that be best? Shouldn't I push forward, run the race, trust you with the details? There must be some mistake... this can't be the right direction to go, living for my parents' approval instead of yours. And even if I am willing for the sake of your honor, you said that we would be insulted, persecuted, regarded as foolish because of you, the very thing I seem to be trying to avoid. I don't understand...

Even writing this down stirs up some of the same confusion and desperation that I felt before. I mentioned that I am very idealist in my thinking. I have another confession to make: I am also almost always sure that I am right. I've always believed and still believe, whether correctly or incorrectly, that everything can be logically explained or understood. Thus I automatically become very convinced of any logical conclusion that I reach. But I realized this -- logic can only take you as far as what you start with. If I start with partially correct or incomplete truths, then whatever I deduce logically will only be partially correct or incomplete at best, and completely wrong or nonsensical at worst. Despite that, it's still easy for me to talk myself into confusion or depression. I do it all the time, forgetting the limits of my understanding. And the only thing that saves me time and time again is the amazing, unchanging grace of God to remind me and show me that his truth is greater than all I know or understand, and his forgiveness and kindness and faithfulness cover me even in the deepest seasons of doubting both myself and him.

And so, it's not correct to draw such a distinction between work and missions. Work is to be approached with the God-centered, gospel-glorifying attitude shown in Titus 2:5,8,10, and missions with the same. They are not so different, except that work involves more of the particular demands of men, which we may willingly submit ourselves to for the sake of God's honor, and so that we may make a living and help those in need. In Colossians 3, Paul addresses slaves to obey their masters as if working for the Lord, saying,

Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

What a comfort and relief it must have been to know that even if they should spend the rest of their lives only serving men, they are really serving Christ and will be rewarded by him! Though I am not a slave, I will work for someone. Pray that I will not be discouraged by the appearance of work, but to go about it whole-heartedly -- not behaving out of fear of men, but with integrity before God.

Now what of persecution? Even persecution within families should be expected (Luke 12:51-53), so why should I work so hard to be approved of? Because it is Christ who brings division (v. 51), even as we are called to be peacemakers (Matthew 5:9) and be blameless before men (Titus 2:8).

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

~ Matthew 5:11

All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

~ Matthew 10:22

But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it?

~ 1 Peter 2:20

But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

~ 1 Peter 3:15-17

Persecution will come for what we do in Christ, but so will rewards.

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

~ Matthew 10:39

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.

~ Matthew 19:29

Of course it has to be for Christ's sake, we all say. But it dawned on me that my heart is so deceitful, I can be convinced something is for Christ's sake when it's not, or not completely. I want to come back to this in a later post, but briefly, this is the question I was forced to ask myself this weekend. If I consider all things for Christ's sake, if I genuinely hope my parents will see his light, then why was it not a deciding factor while I was thinking about my future? And the truth is maybe, maybe I wanted God help them understand the truth just because it would make it so much more convenient to do what I want. A means to an end. Sick.

In summary, it is commendable and expected that we should suffer and be persecuted for Christ's sake, for doing good. Now while I fully believe in the financial support of chosen individuals for the sake of the gospel, I am convinced that it is wrong and dishonoring to God to be a burden on less-than-willing people. Thus, I have gone in a circle and arrived at my original conviction -- that I should work to support myself and not be a burden on my family. For Christ's sake.

But I know I have not seen the last of the missions field.

So what now?

In case you're wondering what I'm up to now, I've graduated and am looking for a job. I've told many of you that I want to be a missionary or do some kind of church ministry, and that I went to Kenya last sumer on missions and LOVED it. Work isn't my first choice (I doubt it is for most people), even though I know that supporting myself (and others) to do God's kingdom work is exactly what Paul and the early church did. Probably because in so many ways, being a missionary is easier, more exciting, and more rewarding than living a "normal" life.

I was praying about it perhaps a 2 or 3 months ago. God, you know I love the mission field, but my parents want me to work! Didn't Jesus say to that man, "let the dead bury their own dead?" Isn't it a good thing to leave home or father or mother for your sake? Lord, am I still supposed to honor my parents? How can I, when they reject you and want me to live according to the world's ways, which you hate? I've struggled with this so much, for so long. Whether that command still applied when the parents are not believers. Where do you draw the line? But as I was praying, God reminded me of the greater command. Lord, you know how my mom tell family friends and all sorts of people about me. She asks them if it's normal for someone religious to be so involved in the church and its activities. She says that no one thinks it's normal. "You don't have to be so involved", as if I was only doing it because others expected it of me. God...... they must all think the church has robbed me of the familial affection and responsibilities expected of me. Asian culture is very family-oriented. What must they think of me? Of you Lord, if they believed in you? They can't think well of the church either. O God! Because of me, your name is dishonored before so many! The realization hit me like a cement truck. And I cried.

When I first read Ezekiel 36:19-23 a long time ago, I was amazed. I don't know how so much can be conveyed through so few words. I can't forget it. And those words came to me now. I was convicted that I should work to be financially independent and no longer be a burden or worry to my parents... or a conversation topic that leaves a poor taste. And that means finding a job. In a few years, when I am able to support myself and others as well, perhaps God will call me away to the mission field.

I still don't know what the difference is between this and the guy who said, "let me first bury my father" (Matthew 8, Luke 9). It was probably a cultural expectation at the time too, right? But I am sure that God's name should not be dishonored because of what I do or fail to do. Let no one have anything bad to say about the Lord (Titus 2). If I am wrong about finding a job, then may God make it clear to me.

Death can be a good thing

This is a post about something that happened last Sunday, June 7th.

Pastor James had preached about sin - the nature of sin and what we should do when we are struggling. I remember one thing he said that really stood out to me, because it's so significant and I had even realized it before, only to have completely forgotten it until now. He said that when we struggle with sin, it is because of the reality of the pleasure of that sin; it is more real to us than God. The comfort, pleasure and excitement promised by these seem more real than the distant promises, truths and even warnings of God. I hope I don't forget again.

At the end of the service, PJ came back up, saying that he didn't usually do this but wanted everyone who sought freedom from sin in their lives to stand up, even kneel at the front, to be prayed for. I'm always a little scared when it comes to these things, but I wanted to be free more than anything else, so I went and so did many others. PJ and many others prayed over us and I cried, knowing I had let the greatest reality of all slip into insignificance. Please God, be more real to me than anything else...

For almost 2 and a half years now, I've been struggling with a past relationship. God's sovereign will had drawn him and his new girlfriend together, both unwilling at first, but nevertheless sure of the direction they were being led in. I had never dated him, but I lost the only person whom I had ever loved or been close to. It forced me to draw closer to God and in doing so, discover such richness and beauty that I had never known, and which would have been impossible for me to see otherwise. So truly, I was thankful for God for that... but more than 2 years later, I was still struggling.

That Sunday night, I was casually browsing around on Facebook (I know, I know), and for the first time in months, visited his profile. What I saw and read hurt like it always did, but this time it struck a new chord in me too. I realized, I do not know this person anymore. He is someone different now. As I thought about this silently, my thoughts reached a natural conclusion: the person I had known, had loved, had been close friends with -- that person was dead, he didn't exist anymore. At first I panicked and instinctively tried to block out those thoughts, because truth be told you couldn't count the number of days I've cried/gotten angry at some point over this with a 12-month calendar, and I'm not the kind of person who exaggerates. When that happens though, you start arranging some mental blocks to prevent it from messing with you (I guess it doesn't work that well).

But as I sat at my desk, Facebook now closed, side by side was a feeling of incredible relief and freedom. He doesn't exist anymore, I thought, that person is dead. That's when I realized that I had never let go of the intimacy, the fact we had enjoyed each other's company, his character, the little quirks and idiosyncrasies - the person and the relationship. I treasured those, and knew there would never, could never, be anyone the same. That in itself was not wrong, but the fact I hadn't let go meant that 2 years later, I still wanted and expected certain things and was having the most terrible time dealing with reality. After all, people change, I change, he changed too of course. A season of life has passed, and that's that.

As I watched the peace fill my heart with that one, simple truth, I realized that I would never cry about it again. What an answer to prayer. It was a truth that no one could have explained to me in a way that I would have accepted.

Praise be to the God of our salvation, who hears us... So many thanks to PJ and Living Water, I love you guys. <3

After pouring out my thanks to God for such amazing grace in setting me free, I did have this question though -- why the heck couldn't it have happened sooner?

Over the last few days as I've been thinking about this whole situation, I've realized a couple important things. One is that the only way to really recover from a breakup is to accept that the person you were in love with and who loved you is dead... otherwise, there is actually no logical reason to move on, so you don't. Yes, your mind is working logically even when it's doing so subconsciously!

Second, I think this applies to relationships and change in general. Have you guys ever felt constrained by the people who've known you for some time? It's hard to change, even when you want to, when everyone already has certain expectations of you or the lack thereof. I think sometimes we need to let the past die so the present can have a chance. And how much more should this apply to brothers and sisters in Christ! Since we know that we have not yet attained perfection, but are continuously being sanctified and made holy by God, we should have great hope in His mighty and unfathomable power to transform each other in big ways, daily. Let's not become stumbling blocks for each other.

12We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. 13If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. 14For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

16So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 18All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them.

~ 2 Cor 5:12-19

Most of us are keenly aware that whatever this new creation is that Paul talks about, it's not quite dead to sin and still has a plenty of problems. Then this idea that we're supposed to be a new creation becomes a burden and a source of guilt. We ought to be convicted to turn our backs on the worldly way of thinking and living, so that we may follow Christ, but I don't think Paul meant those words to be a burden when he wrote them. The NASB translation of verse 16 is

"Therefore from now on we recognize no one according to the flesh; even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him in this way no longer."

This is Paul's answer to those who take "pride in what is seen" (v. 12): that now, no one is recognized according to their flesh (humanity, I think), but rather according to Christ's death and resurrection through which we have all become new creations who live for Him. He adds that "All of this is from God who reconciled us to himself through Christ... not counting men's sins against them" (v. 18-19) -- the knowledge of the new creation is not meant to be a burden, because God has done it Himself and it has already happened.

I'm not really sure why I wrote the above. I was actually just trying to quote verse 17, after writing about how we should actively, continuously hope in God's transforming power for ourselves and for each other.

I hope you guys were blessed by some part of this! And I really am serious about trying to blog/write more. I didn't go into Arts because I hate writing essays, but I still really like to write in general, oddly enough.